Ramblings of a useless person

    If i melted into a useless puddle on the floor would you even notice?
    If my empty eyes glazed over and turned balck would you fill them?
    If this cold day embedded itself in my heart never to warm up again would you hold my hand?
    Turmail twist and turns in my heart of stone.  I know I shouldn't ba allowed to feel.  That's why I try my hardest not to show emotion.  I close myself off and slip into a pool of solidarity.  Treading water till my legs cramp up and I sing into oblivion.  Would you jump in and rescue me?
    The minds that lead are the minds that question ever aspect og thier choices.  They act superior because they know themselves better than the minds that follow ever will. Are you a leader or a follower?
    FREEZE! Right here, Right now.  Is there another place you would rather be?  Another person you would rather be with?  Another road you would rather speed down while smiling at the cop trying to keep up behind you?
   The  false is becoming true, the fake real...when did we stop respecting ourselves?  When did we decide we weren't good enough?  That we should be better, different?
   I curl up in a ball under my heated blanket and shield my jaded eyes with my blankie.  My heaad spins from the night before, the year before and all others before.  When did my life become so coulded by other peoples opinions?
   To quote someone else "I walk, I talk, I shop, I sneeze.  I'm going to be a fireman when the floods roll back. This is over, we don't do this anymore. You are not the source of me."
    One day we will all stand up and reclaim out power to be ourself.  One day we will all put our foot down and do and say what we see fit.  But one day is not now, not today and not this very second.  I wish I could be content with that.  So until that day is here and the world is spinning in my direction, I will be on autopilot.  As it has been for as long as I can remember.
  My life has been a movie. A tattered home video playing before my eyes.  All I can do is pause every once in a while and contemplate how I got this far. How I ever made it through.  There is no 'rewind', it has been replaced by 'self destruct' and I have fast forwarded through to much already.  Worn that god forsaken button out ages ago.  I set fire to the 'replay' button.  It's never to be seen or heard froma gain.  My musical score is the same notes over and over.  I want to scratch out my eardrums so I don't have to listen to it anymore.  My eyes burn from watching so much pain.
    So I look instead at my hands.  Nearly invisible to the blood and mud.  I run my frozen fingers under the hot water, it burns as I scrub away.  The clear water turns to a dirty red as it spins and swirls down the drain to who knows where.  My digits ache.  My skin cracks and peels off exposing the intricate muscle underneath.  Who am I?
    I have been dragged through the muck, through this mudhole we call life.  There are so many choices I should have made, but didn't.  Choices I made because it was what other people wanted or expected from my hollow shell of a body.
    I inhale another deep breath of cigarette smoke hoping the chemicals will eat away at my insides till there is nothing left.  It's horrible isn't it?  I smoke because of the addiction, but sometimes I smoke praying for the repercussions.
    My day is filled with empty mindless banter of diologue and text.  Coupled with the occasional exceptional customer experience and some random obsenities.  What am I doing?  I am going to stay home all day and ponder, nap and melt into solitude like a hermit.  Have to go now. I have nothing more to say at the moment.