Introduction

    It has been quite a while since I sat with nothing but my mind and a writing utensil.  And I must say I missed it dearly.  So lets expand our views of the world once more.  Lets open every door of our subconcious and let all the worlds flow together like we never have before.  We all need to stop keeping things pent up, It's unhealthy.  It builds, rips, eats, peels, stings and poisons us.  We destory ourselves with things unspoken.
    Release yoruself into the world.  Tell soomeone, let it out even if it's to yourself.  Write it in ink so it'f forever.  I may not have spoken the feelings you read here, but someone someday will read it.  A friend, a family member or a complete stranger.  It doesn't matter, This is me, at one stage or another this is the true me, and no one can tell you different.  I can tell a piece of paper my dakest thoughts, aspierations and hardest moments.  It doesn't judge.  And anyone who reads this will see parts of me I haven't expressed before nor will again.
    Someday I may publish this, sounds silly and crazy now...but someday I just might.  Just to see who would read it, connect with it.  But who knows I may look back on this years later and be a totally different person (unlikely) and want it all for myself.  It's nice to dream though.  If I were to publish this, I think this would be my introduction...hows it going?  Nice so far?  Well, I hope so. Next!

I Lost Myself

    I am not me anymore.  I know that I am different, changed but I am not sure how.
    I lost myself somewhere, and I am scared I will never find me again.  I close my eyes lightly and see this low and empty me staggering through a thick fog with outstreached arms.  My fingertips dance in the vois just longing to feel the brush of my own skin, the real me nearby.  But my digits return empty and my confidence that I may be found slips a little more.  And yet I still reach out once again and spin around with hope. 
    I want to cry out for help.  But no one has noticed just how I have sank in the quicksand.  And I am afraid to show that I am up to my neck in confussion.  I am embarressed to let people see how changed I really have become.
    I never understood it when others would say they need to find themselves.  But now I do.  I have been thinking more and more how I just need to get away.  Climb in the car alone and take off with no route planned.  A solitary road trip with a pocketfull of cash and a tank full of gas.  Call work from the road and tell them not to expect me to come back.  Fill my trunk to the brim with clothes, snacks and cd's.  I want to so bad...if I only had the guts.
    There is a hole in me.  I honestly believe it started out almost microscopic, then it expanded to the size of a pinhead, a dime, a bullet wound...Lord knows how big it is now.  I feel as iff I am hemoroging internally.  The blood fills up my insides weighing me down.  My hands are drenched in my blood as I pack cause into my chest cavity trying to cling to myself. 
    I am lost. Gone, maybe forever.

My Family

    What can I say about the S. side of my family?
    I guess I should start off with talking about my grandfather, Donald H. S.. He was and will always be the mmost amazing man I have ever known.  He was tall, and very thick around the middle.  People who didn't know would probably see him as intimidating.  To be honest, to me he was always a big teddy bear.  He was quite outspoken at times but always in the best of taste...if that makes any sense.  He was the glue that held our family together.
    I will always remember silly things about him.  Like the white T-shirts he would wear that had a pocket on the left chest where he always put his soft pack of smokes.  Or the smell of his cheap cologne.  And the fact that he would just look at my grandma and tell her "Shut up Carol!" when she was being Carol.  He always took pride in our accomplishments.  He passed away when I was 10 years old.
    My grandmother came from nothing.  She had nothing to be stuck up about but she has always put on hairs like she was a goddess. She raised my aunts to think that it is okay to starve themselves and marry for money.  She herself had been married twice befor my grandfather and once in between. She is one fo the worlds most two faced cruel self-centered busy bodies.
    I have two aunts on that side, both feel as if they do no wrong.  Both married for money, and do nothing but gloat about thier children.  Who by the way are snotty carbon copies.
    My uncles for the most part are all the same.  Loud, never wrong and very quick to cast judgement.  Just like my father.  The only uncle I can exclude from that statement is the youngest of them all.  He got away from the family after grandpops past.  It's probably for the best.  He has a beautiful wife and three very well behaved kids although most of the family despise them for it.  And yet I have nothing but respect for them. 
    My siblings and I are kind of ostricised from the family.  My parents are the only ones to get divorced so we have dealt with things my cousins will never understand.  My eldest brother has been to jail twice.  Drugs have been associated with both my brothers which is a topic the family openly bring up at inappropriate times because they are hoised up so high on thier pedestules.  I guess us kids never had a chance, not with Carol as head of household.
    Grandpa was the rock, he was the best.  And not a day goes by when I don't think about him and what our family would be like if he was still here.

Why buy the cow?

    This is a phrase that I have identified with lately.  After a long hard relationship that failed miserably I am having issues seeing anything in the same light as before.
    I used to think I would get married someday.  Twice in my life it was a definate option.  Once it was too soon, and the trust wasn't there.  The second time though it had been discussed.  But the proposal was a last stitch effort to keep us together.  That was the final nail in the coffin of our relationship, no way it could survive that. 
    I now have a different view on holy matromony.  I have decided it's not for me.  I understand the romantics of the ceremony, but thats only one day.  People spend thousands of dollars to pledge thier soul to eachother.  To promise to love one another for all time.  Then they get a piece of paper and a ring and leave fulfilled.
    With times today a divorce/anullment is easier to get than any sort of government assistance.  If you love a person, love them!  If you want to be with a person, be with them.  Why make promises that most likely one of you wont be able to keep?
    I have become cynical.  I am not even one for relationships anymore.  I was always the girl who had a lot of guy friends.  But I was never seen in that light.  I was a virgin till college, and I don't want to go into details about that day.  I played for a bit but not much.  Then there was Kyle.  And I was out of the game completely, but when it all fell to shit and it was just me once again everything was different.  I started hooking up.  Sometimes just once, sometimes on and off for months.  Hell at one time I was pushing a year with a guy.
    This isn't a proud point for me, but it is when that statement sank in the most.  People destroy perfectly healthy situations by placing relationships and rules on them.  Like a parking lot on a space where a lovely wood used to occupy.  My view now is if llove finds me, so be it, but I will no longer work for it.  I have put myself out there and been lead on or shot down so many times that I give up.
    Guys can do it all the time.  If they don't want to be lonely or need a hookup they call an old friend.  Casual dating and casual sex have become a social norm for men these days.  So why don't more women choose not to buy the cow?

Ramblings of a useless person

    If i melted into a useless puddle on the floor would you even notice?
    If my empty eyes glazed over and turned balck would you fill them?
    If this cold day embedded itself in my heart never to warm up again would you hold my hand?
    Turmail twist and turns in my heart of stone.  I know I shouldn't ba allowed to feel.  That's why I try my hardest not to show emotion.  I close myself off and slip into a pool of solidarity.  Treading water till my legs cramp up and I sing into oblivion.  Would you jump in and rescue me?
    The minds that lead are the minds that question ever aspect og thier choices.  They act superior because they know themselves better than the minds that follow ever will. Are you a leader or a follower?
    FREEZE! Right here, Right now.  Is there another place you would rather be?  Another person you would rather be with?  Another road you would rather speed down while smiling at the cop trying to keep up behind you?
   The  false is becoming true, the fake real...when did we stop respecting ourselves?  When did we decide we weren't good enough?  That we should be better, different?
   I curl up in a ball under my heated blanket and shield my jaded eyes with my blankie.  My heaad spins from the night before, the year before and all others before.  When did my life become so coulded by other peoples opinions?
   To quote someone else "I walk, I talk, I shop, I sneeze.  I'm going to be a fireman when the floods roll back. This is over, we don't do this anymore. You are not the source of me."
    One day we will all stand up and reclaim out power to be ourself.  One day we will all put our foot down and do and say what we see fit.  But one day is not now, not today and not this very second.  I wish I could be content with that.  So until that day is here and the world is spinning in my direction, I will be on autopilot.  As it has been for as long as I can remember.
  My life has been a movie. A tattered home video playing before my eyes.  All I can do is pause every once in a while and contemplate how I got this far. How I ever made it through.  There is no 'rewind', it has been replaced by 'self destruct' and I have fast forwarded through to much already.  Worn that god forsaken button out ages ago.  I set fire to the 'replay' button.  It's never to be seen or heard froma gain.  My musical score is the same notes over and over.  I want to scratch out my eardrums so I don't have to listen to it anymore.  My eyes burn from watching so much pain.
    So I look instead at my hands.  Nearly invisible to the blood and mud.  I run my frozen fingers under the hot water, it burns as I scrub away.  The clear water turns to a dirty red as it spins and swirls down the drain to who knows where.  My digits ache.  My skin cracks and peels off exposing the intricate muscle underneath.  Who am I?
    I have been dragged through the muck, through this mudhole we call life.  There are so many choices I should have made, but didn't.  Choices I made because it was what other people wanted or expected from my hollow shell of a body.
    I inhale another deep breath of cigarette smoke hoping the chemicals will eat away at my insides till there is nothing left.  It's horrible isn't it?  I smoke because of the addiction, but sometimes I smoke praying for the repercussions.
    My day is filled with empty mindless banter of diologue and text.  Coupled with the occasional exceptional customer experience and some random obsenities.  What am I doing?  I am going to stay home all day and ponder, nap and melt into solitude like a hermit.  Have to go now. I have nothing more to say at the moment.

The Song

    Life is not a poem.  It's not an epic, an ongoing tale of great moments.  It's not simply filled with endless accomplishments one after another.  It's not just a story, read aloud monotoneusly by the balding man in the front of the room.  It's much more than all of that.
    It's a song. One whose music rises and falls dramatically with the mood of the moment.  Haven't you heard it? The soft strings playing when deeply concentrating.  A set of drums being ravaged by steady yet tempered hands while out face grows red and our blood boils.  A flute flittering in the wind as we look into thier eyes...The background music is the most important of all. Silence is a sickness.  Even when doing nothing there should be a note.
    Words are key as well, but not in the way you may think.  They don't have to rhymen, or make sense. Sometimes the nonsensical string of words that can be the deepest.
    The way you sing your song is pivital.  If you stand there stiff witht he lyrics just falling out of your mouth you may as well stand naked in the silence, for it will touch no one.  No one will hear it, no one will be marked by your words and the music itself willbe painful to witness.
    You must sway, step, shake, kick and headbang.  This is how you live your life.  Do you want your soundtrack to be nothing more then a dull heartbeat?  Or do you want it to scream, twang, bellow and cruciendo? You can't reherse the song of life...every verse can play off the previous and build up suspence to the next.  It can make it that much better.
    Experiances repeat in life like choruses, there may be days or years in between but they all remind you of the last time you released that nore, word, phrase of in lifes case love, lose, pain. 
    You must not shrink away into the shadows of your song.  Move with it, hear the time flow and belt it out.  Because when the last powerchords ring you want to look back at your preformance with a smile on your face and think, Thats my song!

Ramblings of an Insomniac III

    Every single second of the day that I don't break down and burst into tears is an astonishing accomplishment.  It's a tiny pebble moved from the dark mountain that is my always forboding past.  Every painted smile is the stage make-up that makes the days slide by with as little scarring as possible.
    These empty eyes that sink endlessly into the true me are easily lost in the twists and turns, the infinate gyrating confussion.  They convulse violently in the lies spewed by other for thier own personal gain.
    People will cling to you until thier needs are fulfilled then they proceed to push you off the ledge of honesty and fidelity.  Toss you into the harsh winds and eventually you crash into the hot stone pavement of reality.
    Forever jaded are your views of the world.  Trust becomes an illusion, It's a tunnel painted convincingly on the side of a building.  Placed there strategicly to make you think you have access, that someone holds you near and dear enough to grant you such trust.  So you open all the doors and windows.  You open every entry point to your soul and psyche and they stroll on in and demolish the place you tidied up just for them.
    That's when your warm damp face smacks against the cold solidness of the wall they masquarded.  You do the only thing that occurs to you ar the time.  Your tired legs buckle under the pressure and you slide back down that indestructable facade.  You crumble into a pile of "never agains".
    Every tear that drips down that beautiful face yours is made of oozing black tar.  Brushing away is pointless, it stays, forever staining your reputation.  These tears layer one on top of the other getting heavier and thicker.  Soon you can no longer hold your head high.  But we are all dark faced figures, slumping forward due to the immense weight of our pain, our mistakes, our loves, loses and beliefs.

Ramblings of an Insomniac II

    Have you ever done this? Have you ever laid down to try to sleep at midnight with your mind racing? Having one thought after another, at first making plans for the days to come, then pondering the present and contimplating the past?  Story of my life, although I have never been a sleeper.  But I think I may have a cure, thouse if you are like me and long winded (handed) then you still won't lie down to sleep until about 3am. Write it down, whatever it is running through your head before you go to bed even if it doesn't make sense.
    So here are my probably incoherant ramblings of an insomniac.
    I know you have done this, because I do it all the time.  Have you ever had something you were dying to tell someone? A subject that for some reason or another has to mentioned?  You sit and practice what you are going to say.  You go over it again and again revising the solo conversation until the time comes, when it is flawless and completely memorized no matter how long or complicated it is.  Then when the oppertunity comes to give the 'speech' if you will, you either blank out or don't have the guts to say however remedial it is.  And the one in a million times you do start your planned dialogue the outcome is not only unexpected, but the worst possible situation.
    While we are on the 'Have you ever" subject...Have you ever wished the human brain could be more like an electronic device of some sort?  Like a TV? Where you could choose which memories you wanted to reminise upon at that specific moment. Wouldn't it be so much simpler to be able to take that remote control of emotions and say "No, I don't like this station!." when it comes to a bad memory?  By the time you're a teenager you whould have your 'brain waves' memorized by which channel they're on and what time they are played.  Even if our brain were a computer life would be so much easier.  Our memory would be the hard drive space.  You could just highlight all the dark sad memories and click the delete button to make room for the better ones.  And the sad ones that are attached to happy ones could all be placed in a folder named "Self pity" and only played as needed. So unless you are totally sure you want to be miserable you can be genuinely and blindly happy.
    Have you ever done this? You should, It's enlightening....goodnight...I hope.

Ramblings of an Insomniac

I wish I had more choices, but don't we all. If everyone had more choices do you think we would be happy with them. Honestly, or would we still hold out for more and more choices till we had them all. Then what else would we ask for?...assistance to make the choice. Then worry strikes cause the right choice one of them, and we have to figure out which choice it is. So we ask the intelligence to find out the right choice. One wish leads to more and more until you run out of wishes from you magic genie and you are left smack dab in the middle of all these choices with with assistance to choose, and the intelligence but you sit there for all eternity because your to damn scared to dive in and you over analyze your choices untill you break down and cry wishing that it was simpler.


We ponder and ponder about what we will do with our life. Because when the time comes you look back and wish that you had done all those things you thought about. But the time is gone, you lie in your hospital bed because of the cigarettes you smoked that you promised you'd quit but couldnt find the time. Or because you didn't notice the stop sign because you were juggling your make-up and the cell phone trying to sqeeze every little thing into the bit of time you have between home and the office. Everyone wishes we had more time, but if we had it we'd do nothing with it. Which makes no sense because we pray for this time to get things done that we have put off till that last minute...and we piss it away.

Time just ticks away and we cant do anything about it. Like I have said to many people I know "Living kills" from the minute you are born you are dying. Everything you do these days will slowly lead to your own demise. We worry about it so much that it digs through out heads like sandworms crawling around till we lock ourself into a sanitarium.

Scientist study things, millions of things to see how it will eventually kill us. You can't chew gum because the cinnimon kind will give you cancer, you cant drink this drink, or be around this type of machine because it will one day murder you.

Why are we all in so much more danger of dying then we were in the past? It makes no since, We have all these new things that threaten to kill us and yet we are living longer then our ansestors. Is it because of these people who over analyze life? Or is it because of advancd medicine? With all this study you think some one would know. But no one ever studies the good things. Its all negative.

Like the news. Once in a while you see something positive but the negative overwhelms it, so by the time the sunshine has hit the earth the rain is shortly following. You hear about arsonist, and murders with no suspects. You hear of cruelty to animals and people who stand for trust and love hurting themselfs and children. You see the word "All men created equa"l and you hear of amendments that will make this statment null and void. No one knows the inner workings of the minds that lead, the minds that fallow and the minds that dont care which way they go.
 
We only see what they want us to see. We see nothing. And we believe that that nothing is everything. We build our life upon a foundation of nothing. And try to teach values to our children that we never followed and after the foundation crumbles we wonder why.

Explaining my plan.

I have a few pieces I wrote a while ago, I want to place one in every couple of days. Then I can work in some new stuff along the way. Please give me feedback whenever you can.