Closet Romantic

I have written and deleted at least 4 separate paragraphs in the last 15 minutes...and I just can't figure out how to get this point across.
I have had a horrible history when it comes to dating. Even worse with men in general. I am 100% faithful, but I have a huge commitment phobia. I have had 3 real relationships. One with a Kyle whom I dated in high school for 6 months then for 2 years after I graduated. One with Mike on and off for about 6 months. And then there was Arron who was the most recent mistake.
And for the most part after we broke up I would go through a phase of a year or so where I said I would not date. I felt like I had done all I could and deserved to not have to answer to someone. Not have to belong to someone who was just going to disappoint me in the end. And during these periods I convinced myself that even if I was in a situation where I could see myself being with a specific person that I didn't want love. That I didn't need it and that I didn't deserve it.
A lot of my friends know I am just one of the guys. Some of my old friends think I want be a bachelor forever. I make jokes about it, say I will either become a crazy old cat lady or a lesbian. No one realizes, I joke about it because it scares me. I was hanging out with this really great guy for a while. A little younger than me, sweet, funny and great in bed. But, he always seemed to be right on top of me. I am sure it wasn't as extreme to anyone else who watched us hanging out. But I felt like I couldn't breathe.
In my heart I want the walks on the beach, candle lite dinners, knight in shining armor on a white horse, sweeping me off my feet and carrying me to a bed covered in rose petals. Unfortunately my head knows that that sand gets everywhere, and candles burn too hot. That horses sometimes smell and flowers attract bees. And its shattered.
I want to believe in love, but based on my experience it just doesn't exist. So I will continue to pretend I don't want it and be a closet romantic.

Infatuation

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word as fallows : 1 to cause to be foolish : deprive of sound judgment and 2 to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration. I have a problem with these definitions...because they don't inspire too much hope. 

Wikipedia just makes it worse. By stating "Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone. Infatuation is a common emotion characterized by unrealistic expectations of blissful passion without positive relationship growth or development. Infatuation is distinguished by a lack of trust, loyalty, commitment, and reciprocity. In the case of infatuation, there is usually an obsessor and an object of desire, who may or may not be attainable."

Rhett was infected with extravagent love since the first time he laid eyes on Scarlett. You could see it in his eyes while he gazed up at her from the bottom of that plantation staircase. Christian was inspired with a foolish admiration when he saw Satine dangling from a swing by the ceiling. I want that! 

 Gosh when you are young love stories are the first ones you hear and remember.  They never explain to you that they all start with infatuation. Yeah, Cinderella and Prince Charming may have lived "Happily Ever After." But do you think that would have been possible if he didn't knock on every door in the kingdom with a damn shoe? My sources (websters and wikipedia) turn up their nose at infatuation. Like it is not a reliable feeling. Why not call it by the name other people call it "Love at first sight" or "That spark". 

I am usually very pessimistic about all things romantic. But I never understood why this word is always used in a almost negative way. Because I feel like love is nearly impossible to obtain without an infatuation. It's the feeling that makes you ask her out. The one that makes you wonder if you should call today or tomorrow. Sure as hell isn't love that early. I think its a building block though...

Okay. I will stop throwing the psychobabble out there. We all know I am single and have the worst history and most likely future...just wanted to point out that our English language makes something so beautiful look so deprived of sound judgment.