Closet Romantic

I have written and deleted at least 4 separate paragraphs in the last 15 minutes...and I just can't figure out how to get this point across.
I have had a horrible history when it comes to dating. Even worse with men in general. I am 100% faithful, but I have a huge commitment phobia. I have had 3 real relationships. One with a Kyle whom I dated in high school for 6 months then for 2 years after I graduated. One with Mike on and off for about 6 months. And then there was Arron who was the most recent mistake.
And for the most part after we broke up I would go through a phase of a year or so where I said I would not date. I felt like I had done all I could and deserved to not have to answer to someone. Not have to belong to someone who was just going to disappoint me in the end. And during these periods I convinced myself that even if I was in a situation where I could see myself being with a specific person that I didn't want love. That I didn't need it and that I didn't deserve it.
A lot of my friends know I am just one of the guys. Some of my old friends think I want be a bachelor forever. I make jokes about it, say I will either become a crazy old cat lady or a lesbian. No one realizes, I joke about it because it scares me. I was hanging out with this really great guy for a while. A little younger than me, sweet, funny and great in bed. But, he always seemed to be right on top of me. I am sure it wasn't as extreme to anyone else who watched us hanging out. But I felt like I couldn't breathe.
In my heart I want the walks on the beach, candle lite dinners, knight in shining armor on a white horse, sweeping me off my feet and carrying me to a bed covered in rose petals. Unfortunately my head knows that that sand gets everywhere, and candles burn too hot. That horses sometimes smell and flowers attract bees. And its shattered.
I want to believe in love, but based on my experience it just doesn't exist. So I will continue to pretend I don't want it and be a closet romantic.