See the Dilemma?

It's been over two years since I last wrote in this notebook. Want to know something funny?  I have two new ones just like it and about 10 smaller ones sitting under my computer desk, and I still spent a few minutes trying to figure out where I had placed this specific one.  Either I am faithful or pathetic. I will leave that up to you.
  Of course, anyone reading this right now is probably reading it after it  was transferred to the internet (or God willing my own book).  But the sentiment sill needed to be mentioned.
  You probably are wondering what drove me to search for this 'antique' in the first place.  Curious to know if it is something heartbreaking, puzzling or funny.  Lol, when do I write anything funny?  It's depressing and confusing.  Yup, there she is! Same ole April! The only thing hindering me from saying what it is is the fact that in order to tel you this long story....I would have to tell you a longer one.  See the dilemma?

STOP USING PLEASE

I tell you I love you all the time.
I can joke and laugh with you.
But for some reason the most important things I should be able to say I cant.
I wish I was strong enough to tell you everything.
To tell you what you do everyday isn't just wrong but scary.
I worry about you so much.
I know you would laugh and shrug it off.
Im the little one,
I am the 'good' one,
I don't know what I am talking about,
everything is under control,
I am always the worrier.
But good God I could punch you.
I want to shake you so hard.
I want to wrap my arms around you so tight and make you see you don't need this.
It kills me to see this.
I love you more than I could ever explain,
and if I wasn't afraid of you hating me I would force you to see.
But I am not strong...
and you wont listen.
I hope you will just realise all this on your own,
even though I know you wont.

Oh the places we can go...

I don't know where I am.
I feel like I have been wandering for hours,
in 8 million directions, and none of them helped
to get me anywhere but here. I am scared, alone
and screaming to be found. It's dark, so dark I
am worried I may have just gone blind..And deaf its nearly
silent. It if weren't for the wind in the trees I would
think I was the new Helen Keller. I shout "Someone!
Anyone! PLEASE!" My cry pierces through the quiet
like an arrow. You would think it could be heard for
miles, but its just my scewed perception after all this
silence.
I sit on the cold damp ground. Isn't that what they
say to do? When you are lost it is best to stay where
you are...so when someone comes looking for you
they have a better chance of finding you.  But who
would look for me here? I close my eyes and a tear
falls into the blackness that is my surroundings, but it
doesn't just fall it ripples. Not just the tear, but the dark.
Everything around me slowly bends and bows like a
lake and the first drop of rain. Then all of a sudden
things are getting a little lighter. Grey and white and
a beige. I spin to take in whats happening.
I don't know where I am.
I am in a room that seems to have no walls. I am sure
there is a ceiling but this place is so white I cant
fathom it. And everywhere I turn there is a filing cabinet.
Not just around me but filling the endless room. Stacked on
top of each other. Drawers semi opened and papers all jumbled
up as if a hurricane blew through right before I got here.
Where ever here is. I pull out a paper from the manila
folder and try to read. It is blank, but for some reason I
know what it was meant to say. While looking at this clear
page I am thinking about balance and walking. I drop the
sheet of nothingness. This makes no sense. I walk to another
cabinet its filled with empties as well but as I fan
through them I picture a full day in 5th grade. This cant
be happening. I run down hallways of file lockers and stop
in front of one. It was bound to happen in this setting
but I feel like it was meant to be. I open the bottom
drawer and grab yet another piece of paper. This
one is, you guessed it blank. But for some reason I
feel anger towards this single sheet and crumple it up
and throw it across the room. And as it flies it
does something odd. Like my tear it caused a reaction,
but this one was very different. The only way I can
describe it is by comparing it to a gunshot hole. And
instantly all the air got sucked out of the room.
Not just the air a bunch of papers and me as well.
I don't know where I am.
My body is aching and it's dark again. I sigh thinking
I am back in the never ending depression of the wood till
I realize I haven't opened my eyes. All these thoughts,
words, and images have all happened as I al laying in
bed trying to sleep but not succeeding. I have been
lost, trapped, confused and amazed by my own mind. Or
is it in my own mind? Could it be?!

Introduction

    It has been quite a while since I sat with nothing but my mind and a writing utensil.  And I must say I missed it dearly.  So lets expand our views of the world once more.  Lets open every door of our subconcious and let all the worlds flow together like we never have before.  We all need to stop keeping things pent up, It's unhealthy.  It builds, rips, eats, peels, stings and poisons us.  We destory ourselves with things unspoken.
    Release yoruself into the world.  Tell soomeone, let it out even if it's to yourself.  Write it in ink so it'f forever.  I may not have spoken the feelings you read here, but someone someday will read it.  A friend, a family member or a complete stranger.  It doesn't matter, This is me, at one stage or another this is the true me, and no one can tell you different.  I can tell a piece of paper my dakest thoughts, aspierations and hardest moments.  It doesn't judge.  And anyone who reads this will see parts of me I haven't expressed before nor will again.
    Someday I may publish this, sounds silly and crazy now...but someday I just might.  Just to see who would read it, connect with it.  But who knows I may look back on this years later and be a totally different person (unlikely) and want it all for myself.  It's nice to dream though.  If I were to publish this, I think this would be my introduction...hows it going?  Nice so far?  Well, I hope so. Next!

I Lost Myself

    I am not me anymore.  I know that I am different, changed but I am not sure how.
    I lost myself somewhere, and I am scared I will never find me again.  I close my eyes lightly and see this low and empty me staggering through a thick fog with outstreached arms.  My fingertips dance in the vois just longing to feel the brush of my own skin, the real me nearby.  But my digits return empty and my confidence that I may be found slips a little more.  And yet I still reach out once again and spin around with hope. 
    I want to cry out for help.  But no one has noticed just how I have sank in the quicksand.  And I am afraid to show that I am up to my neck in confussion.  I am embarressed to let people see how changed I really have become.
    I never understood it when others would say they need to find themselves.  But now I do.  I have been thinking more and more how I just need to get away.  Climb in the car alone and take off with no route planned.  A solitary road trip with a pocketfull of cash and a tank full of gas.  Call work from the road and tell them not to expect me to come back.  Fill my trunk to the brim with clothes, snacks and cd's.  I want to so bad...if I only had the guts.
    There is a hole in me.  I honestly believe it started out almost microscopic, then it expanded to the size of a pinhead, a dime, a bullet wound...Lord knows how big it is now.  I feel as iff I am hemoroging internally.  The blood fills up my insides weighing me down.  My hands are drenched in my blood as I pack cause into my chest cavity trying to cling to myself. 
    I am lost. Gone, maybe forever.

My Family

    What can I say about the S. side of my family?
    I guess I should start off with talking about my grandfather, Donald H. S.. He was and will always be the mmost amazing man I have ever known.  He was tall, and very thick around the middle.  People who didn't know would probably see him as intimidating.  To be honest, to me he was always a big teddy bear.  He was quite outspoken at times but always in the best of taste...if that makes any sense.  He was the glue that held our family together.
    I will always remember silly things about him.  Like the white T-shirts he would wear that had a pocket on the left chest where he always put his soft pack of smokes.  Or the smell of his cheap cologne.  And the fact that he would just look at my grandma and tell her "Shut up Carol!" when she was being Carol.  He always took pride in our accomplishments.  He passed away when I was 10 years old.
    My grandmother came from nothing.  She had nothing to be stuck up about but she has always put on hairs like she was a goddess. She raised my aunts to think that it is okay to starve themselves and marry for money.  She herself had been married twice befor my grandfather and once in between. She is one fo the worlds most two faced cruel self-centered busy bodies.
    I have two aunts on that side, both feel as if they do no wrong.  Both married for money, and do nothing but gloat about thier children.  Who by the way are snotty carbon copies.
    My uncles for the most part are all the same.  Loud, never wrong and very quick to cast judgement.  Just like my father.  The only uncle I can exclude from that statement is the youngest of them all.  He got away from the family after grandpops past.  It's probably for the best.  He has a beautiful wife and three very well behaved kids although most of the family despise them for it.  And yet I have nothing but respect for them. 
    My siblings and I are kind of ostricised from the family.  My parents are the only ones to get divorced so we have dealt with things my cousins will never understand.  My eldest brother has been to jail twice.  Drugs have been associated with both my brothers which is a topic the family openly bring up at inappropriate times because they are hoised up so high on thier pedestules.  I guess us kids never had a chance, not with Carol as head of household.
    Grandpa was the rock, he was the best.  And not a day goes by when I don't think about him and what our family would be like if he was still here.

Why buy the cow?

    This is a phrase that I have identified with lately.  After a long hard relationship that failed miserably I am having issues seeing anything in the same light as before.
    I used to think I would get married someday.  Twice in my life it was a definate option.  Once it was too soon, and the trust wasn't there.  The second time though it had been discussed.  But the proposal was a last stitch effort to keep us together.  That was the final nail in the coffin of our relationship, no way it could survive that. 
    I now have a different view on holy matromony.  I have decided it's not for me.  I understand the romantics of the ceremony, but thats only one day.  People spend thousands of dollars to pledge thier soul to eachother.  To promise to love one another for all time.  Then they get a piece of paper and a ring and leave fulfilled.
    With times today a divorce/anullment is easier to get than any sort of government assistance.  If you love a person, love them!  If you want to be with a person, be with them.  Why make promises that most likely one of you wont be able to keep?
    I have become cynical.  I am not even one for relationships anymore.  I was always the girl who had a lot of guy friends.  But I was never seen in that light.  I was a virgin till college, and I don't want to go into details about that day.  I played for a bit but not much.  Then there was Kyle.  And I was out of the game completely, but when it all fell to shit and it was just me once again everything was different.  I started hooking up.  Sometimes just once, sometimes on and off for months.  Hell at one time I was pushing a year with a guy.
    This isn't a proud point for me, but it is when that statement sank in the most.  People destroy perfectly healthy situations by placing relationships and rules on them.  Like a parking lot on a space where a lovely wood used to occupy.  My view now is if llove finds me, so be it, but I will no longer work for it.  I have put myself out there and been lead on or shot down so many times that I give up.
    Guys can do it all the time.  If they don't want to be lonely or need a hookup they call an old friend.  Casual dating and casual sex have become a social norm for men these days.  So why don't more women choose not to buy the cow?